Saturday, 6 April 2013

Sketch: Vampire benefit tourists

And on week 4 of my writing.   The treason show picked up this sketch on benefit tourists.

Unfortunately I only found out about it a few weeks ago and missed the show, so never saw this performed.

Vampire Benefit Tourists

ANNOUNCER:           In 2014, William Hague is worried about the influx of Romanian benefit tourists coming to the UK.   The following is an intercepted advert trying to attract Romanian Vampires to the UK.

Done in the style of a visit Scotland Advert
Background music should be some scottishy pipey music.
ANNOUNCER 1:       In Transylvania, you vampires can only go out at night!!!   Here, we have no sunshine!!!   Surprise yourself!!!  Visit Scotland.

ANNOUNCER 2:       Self-conscious about your sticky outy bad vampire teeth.   
You could wait for months to get them fixed on the NHS in London.   Surprise yourself!!!  Visit Scotland!!!
our dentists have no queues.

ANNOUNCER 1:       Afraid of Garlic?   Just drinking the blood of one Frenchman could kill you.
Here, we have no Garlic (beat) or any vegetables!!!   Surprise yourself!!!  Visit Scotland.

ANNOUNCER 2:       Are you scared of being burned with holy water?  
All our priests are in prison or have taken early retirement
and nobody washes. 
Surprise yourself!!!  Visit Scotland!!

ANNOUNCER 1:       And the most surprising thing about Scotland is that you won’t be hunted.   Yes, we have no posh twats on bicycles calling themselves “Boris Johnston: Vampire Hunter”

BORIS:                        (stupid boris noises)
first the foxes, now bloody vampires.
can’t even kill them, because I’ve eaten the stupid bloody stake.
(stupid boris noises)

ANNOUNCER 1:       In Scotland, you are safe from posh vampire hunters.  In-fact, we don’t even have anyone posh at all!!

ANNOUNCER 2:       As of 2014, anybody can work here, no work permit required.   You too can be as happy as this Romanian living and working and Scotland as a math teacher.

VON COUNT:             I am the count that likes to count!!!   Only 365 days until you can live here too!!!! Ha Ha Ha Ha!!!!   Let’s count down the days, 1 ah ah ah!!!

ANNOUNCER 2:       So, if you are pale, have bad teeth, are scared of vegetables and can’t move on from the past.  
Surprise yourself!!!  Visit Romania!!
(beat) especially if independence doesn’t work out.

© 2013 Chris Hay - All rights reserved

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